Is Chill Subs Even a Startup?

We did it! We finally have a business-focused piece (sort of) for our startup diary.

created for Chill Subs by Mariam Chagelishvili

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I live in Tbilisi, Georgia. It is a "startup hub." Because: taxes. You can't throw a rock without it hitting someone trying to create an app to measure how far you can throw a rock. The city is full of tech bros, solopreneurs, and digital nomads. You know, the strangers you ignore friend requests from on LinkedIn because, why. Just, why.

We were in a nearby bar a few weeks ago. Looks like a subway tunnel. A door out the back leads onto a cozy courtyard where everyone chain-smokes (Eastern Europe) and chit-chats in around six different languages. There was a mustachioed twenty-something American kid in a knit beanie who kept going on, and on, and on...

"A startup means investors! If you're not looking for investors, your not a startup, bro."

OK, maybe he didn't say bro. But he was talking to some guy in blue-blockers so it's safe to assume that happened at some point. My partner whispered under her breath, "Did you know that you're not a startup unless you have investors?"

"Oh, my God. No."

I did not. Because that's total nonsense.

Because “startup” is a fake word. It's just a casualty of the war-to-name-shit that happens every day in today's desperate world of someone-please-look-at-me-I'm-special.

A startup is a company, a business, a few people trying to build something and make money. It's just new.  

The only difference between a startup and a company is that if I tell anyone over the age of fifty that I've started(?) a startup, they say, "Well, that's cute." That, and the startling (ffs) statistic that over 90% of startups fail.

So, yeah. I guess a startup means you have an increased likelihood of failure and significantly less respect. Cool.

Cool, cool, cool.

Really, it's just a sub-culture of business. You get to do cool things like talk hot shit in nomad bars and write diaries. You get to call yourself an entrepreneur (a word that just means "person who does some shit"). And if you succeed, you get to become a company! We're like sperm. A countless swarm of doomed hypothetical-companies trying to impregnate the internet.

But let's say Chic Mario was right. Let's say we take the cultural definition of startup and apply it to what we're doing.

Trying to even Google "What factors make something a startup?" gives you about six-hundred definitions from six-hundred different magazines that write about startups all trying to fuck the word "innovation" into an inspirational sentence about growth. So let's go with Investopedia because they have less motivation to exaggerate since their business model isn't dependent on twenty-something upper-middle-class white-dude clickbait.

1. "Focused on a single product or service that the founders want to bring to market."

OK. We do have a service, kinda. Chill Subs is more like a sneeze. A load of pent-up energy & ideas that we periodically, uncontrollably, spew all over a specific industry. So, yeah. Sure. Point for "startup".

2. "Typically don't have a fully developed business model and, more crucially, lack adequate capital to move onto the next phase of business."

Well that "Business Model" bit is not us. See: sneeze. Though we do lack adequate capital. OK. .05 points for "startup."

3. "Most of these companies are initially funded by their founders."

Funded is such a strong word. If by funded they mean that Karina and I spent eleven hours a day for a year while living off of our savings "funded" then sure. If you mean having super talented and cool friends who believe in us and work for free is "funded." Then sure. If you mean spending three days debating whether it's worth it to spend $25 on some automation software we need, "funding," then, yup. We fund Chill Subs. "Point for startup".

4. "Many startups turn to others for more funding, including family, friends, and venture capitalists."

This one is a big fat no. Our families think we're insane, and we don't talk to investors because their hands are all sticky and gross.

Alright. So, 2.5/4. So, according to Investopedia, we're a startup. But I'd just like to point out that, aside from #1, even those factors begin with conjecture and uncertainty.

"Typically..."

"Most..."

"Many..."

So what is the point of even having a new definition for something that can already be called "new company" if we're just going to say, "Well, most of the time..."? Especially when you account for the fact that the only certain one (focused on a single product or service that the founders want to bring to market) is just something a company does.

It's storytelling. That's all. "Company" doesn't sound good enough anymore. "Company" isn't sexy. "Company" is a parent who comes home from work and forgets to say "I love you" for sixteen years. Startups fuck. Startups will make you rich. They're a story for users. A story for investors. But the actual dictionary definition is "...a newly established business." Boo. We don't want to be a "newly established business." That's no fun. How can we shoe-horn the word 'hustle' into telling people about our 'newly established business.' And, like, if we're not a startup then this is just a diary...I'm just asking you to read my diary.

So, are we a startup? Sure. Why not. Does that mean anything? Absolutely not. I worked in PR for startups for years. The narrative of being a highly motivated group of forward-thinking individuals over-working themselves in pursuit of innovation is just a fancy way to distract people from the more likely tagline of, "...a half-baked business that's likely going to fail but wants your money anyway." Everyone knows this. But everyone also knows the word "startup", for better or worse, so we use it because it's the easiest way to get people to understand that we're a small company trying to grow.

But when I hear people like Tom Selleck's wispy nephew spout a load of horse shit in a bar about startups being these agile innovative outlets with only investors in mind, I want to shout, "Ugh, no. That's not us. Oh, God. No."

So call us a startup if you must, but we don't think of ourselves that way. We think of ourselves more like a mutant baby. Chill Subs was created by writers who wanted to help make things better. It was (and is) our baby. Then it grew and grew to the point where it stumbles around knocking shit over and people say, "Good God, look at that ridiculous baby! Who the hell let that giant sneezing baby in here?!"

And we're like, nah-nah. It's cool. It's just our startup.

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