Welcome to Cool Subs

October Updates

Mariam Chagelishvili

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Once, on a drive to Connecticut, I had to go to the bathroom. Real bad. Number two. On a long stretch of road, I knew I wasn’t going to make it. So, I pulled over, ran into the woods, dropped my pants, did my business, stood up, looked down, and saw I’d shit directly into my pants.

Point being, things don’t always go to plan. Sometimes, we think we’ve just barely pulled it off, then look down and sigh. Chill Subs has grown fast. Staggeringly so. For a while, we just built and built and built and prayed it would all work out. And, for the most part, it has. But lately, we’ve realized there are loads of things that need fixing. Both administrative business-stuff, data-stuff, and more. So, let’s see…

WE HATE SEO SO MUCH IT HURTS A LITTLE BIT

There is a the hole in the floor of our bathroom we’ve affectionately dubbed our bathroom’s anus. It is a grate-covered mouth to some filth-smeared hell that, rain or shine, stinks up the whole apartment. “Tbilisi pipes,” our host told us. Then shrugged.

This is what SEO is at Chill Subs. Our company’s immovable anus.

If you don’t know what SEO is, it stands for Search Engine Optimization. It’s how Google knows to show your website to people. For the longest time, anyone Googling, “Chill Subs” was offered an excellent selection of cold sandwiches and laid back bondage shops. Now, after almost a year of writing meta descriptions, blog posts, and doing some code-fuckery, we show up on page 10 for any industry related searches. Woohoo.

The second most searched for term that we show up for on Google? You’d think, “magazine database” or “submission calls” right?

Nope.

Cuz we cool, y’know?

MONEY…is a thing

For Halloween this year we're all dressing up as our parents’ worst nightmare; millennials without a real job.

We need money. This isn't a request, just a reality. Chill Subs is too big to manage without many people and as our audience grows, so do costs. It's a pickle. We’re doing well enough to stay alive, but it makes it tough to build at the pace we want. We checked our family trees for any wealthy lonely relatives we might cozy up to, but no dice. We won't take investors, so we looked into getting a loan. It...did not go well.

Imagine you're a loan officer.

You: So, let me get this straight. You have no credit history, no employment history, no U.S. address, haven’t lived here for twelve years, and you're calling from a village in the country of Georgia to ask for a loan to fund the company you co-founded with a Belarusian called, let me see here, Chill…Subs?

Me: Yes.

Officer: Get out.

WE ALL HAVE CAT PROBLEMS

Marcin moved to a new airbnb with his cat only to come home a few hours later to find the cat had vanished. Marcin who has hella cat-dad vibes, searched his entire place in a panic for hours before finding the little guy hiding out behind the microwave.

Karina also moved to an Airbnb (yes we all live in Airbnb’s like the millennial trash we are) with her husband and cat named Earl. You remember Earl, right?

Right.

Earl is, apparently, a snack. Who knew? (not me). In Istanbul, there was a cat that screamed all night for him. Now, there is a cat that sits outside Karina’s apartment while Earl sits on top of the fridge and they lock eyes. For hours. It’s all very Romeo and Juliet. We’re not sure how to feel about it.

As for my partner and I. We live on a compound with—like—a dozen cats.

They come and go. We name them based on whatever their most prominent quality is. Orange, Black, Skinny, Meow, and so on. We let them sleep inside when they feel like it. Except Bed Shitter. He’s no longer welcome.

Kailey doesn’t have a cat. Cause she is one of them smart people with clean sheets and a good night’s sleep.

KARINA HAD A BIRTHDAY

We got her a t-shirt!

Look, I already said we had no money.

MARIAM HAD US OVER FOR DINNER

Most of us live in Georgia. The country. That’s where Mariam is from. So she had us over and her grandmother cooked us a load of traditional Georgian food.

WE NEED A TASK MANAGER TO HELP US DECIDE ON A TASK MANAGER

We’ve gone from Trello, to Notion, to Fibery, and now back to Trello. Because…look, I already said we are bad at planning things, leave off.

OTHER STUFF…

Karina’s husband is helping us with code stuff now! Our nefarious plan worked.

Shelby is having her wisdom tooth removed today! So we’re all about to get a lot dumber since social media is pretty much the only branch of our company that consistently does well.

We have a lawyer now, and accountant. Because taxes. And law. So far, not in prison so they’re doing well.

Write or Die’s fiction call has passed 400 submissions.

Nikita has started making individualized chapbooks for friends because he’s fucking adorable.

And…I have no idea how to end this update, so…